Monday 15 September 2008

How to face the end

In six weeks, every subtle difference and shade of opinion in America will disappear into the Manichaean excersice of choosing between two candidates. You have that long to decide what to give up, expectations-wise.

A lot of truisms and their related spoofs start out, "There are two kinds of people in this world …"

I have correctly derided all of them, usually with no more rhetorical effort than it takes to refute a creationist. But one binary characterization of all humanity requires a little more attention, lest any more people get sucked into believing it reveals a deep, meaningful insight into two camps neatly divided by their respective weltanschauungs.

Some people drive straight in to parking spaces and then have to back out when they leave. Other people back in to park so they can drive straight out when they leave.

(Maybe some confused people — the sort who tell pollsters that they trust Republicans more than Democrats with fiscal policy — sometimes park one way, sometimes the other.)

Obviously, the total time either strategy requires for parking and leaving is exactly the same. So why pick one or the other?

Your facile psychologizer would conclude the back-inners have more foresight and are willing to invest their effort against a future convenience.

As one of the deeper-thinking back-outers, I know better.

Behold my logic: Someday the world will end. Statistically, I will most likely be parked when that happens, so any time potentially saved when pulling out of the parking spot never happens. The extra 20 seconds it would take to back in when parking gets wasted.

Since the two parking methods are time-neutral until that day, it makes more sense to drive straight in and use what may be the last 20 seconds of the universe to do something meaningful. I plan on recalling some of my favorite "Peanuts" cartoons, the ones where Snoopy puts on sunglasses, leans against a tree, and sums up all of existence in the last panel.

The real lesson? I drive too much.

Meanwhile, don't be the kind of person who thinks there are two kinds of people in this world. It's an overestimate.

Here's Joe Cool, ready for the end.