Scarring and scabbing are torture to writers

Grown-ups say the darndest things.

Here’s one I heard recently in a National Public Radio story about the Hollywood writers’ strike. The reporter said the schedule of upcoming awards shows gives the writers extra leverage, because without writers, the producers will have to cancel the Oscars.

The Oscars show uses writers?

I bet I’m not the only movie buff shocked — shocked, I say — to learn that the presenters’ snappy repartee is not the spontaneous product of razor-like intellects trained in the same school that gave us Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson and Arnold Schwarzenegger (who once modestly remarked, “Maria didn’t marry me for my brains”).

I’m either severely disillusioned, or just miffed that professional writers make obscene multiples of my annual take-home for generating inane banter that would earn two thumbs down in a second-grade production of “Mr. Toothbrush and the Cavity Monster.”

That’s what the writers have to hold over the heads of their Tinsel Town oppressors? Yet these greedy adversaries have the entire nation facing a crisis with potential repurcussions every bit as long-lasting and crippling to the American spirit and economy as the devastating National Hockey League impass of — well, whenever that was.

It almost tempts me to offer my sevices as a literary scab, to rescue the national psyche from the scars that would result from going all spring without at least three hours of Billy Crystal introducing introducers.

How hard could it be?

“Hey, Lindsay, it’s great to see you here tonight! I’ll have to rethink my opposition to work release.”

“Bite me, Leo. Speaking of nail-biting performances, this year's nominees for best supporting actress are …”

And so on. Alas, I don’t cross picket lines, and anyway I’m too busy on a monologue for Letterman.

And another thing. As long as I’m on about odd statements, let’s make a brief visit to Langley, where CIA officials explain the destruction of interrogation videotapes as a security measure to protect their operatives.

Those of us who enjoy sudoku and other brainteasers have had a great time interpreting this one. Does it mean that the tapes show CIA agents comitting crimes, or that the CIA doesn’t trust itself to keep its own sensitive material secure? Difficulty level: 4.

Mirror copy editor Drew Herman is available to write your awards show. Call now for scheduling and rates.